“Lost Time”

Life in the State of Mania

surreal-artwork-time-clockHave you felt that you “lost time” somewhere, if you don’t stay in the “Now” according to Eckhart Tolle in the book “Power of Now” you are always looking back over your shoulder at the time wasted. As you age this time wasted becomes nothing more than a prison from which you will never recover the time lost. Why am I going down this road, because I am imprisoned with this lost time scenario and I am now watching my 35 year old son be imprisoned by his tormented mind.  He has days of clarity but mostly he lives in a blur — his mind spiraling out of control and there is nothing I am capable of doing to stop the unwinding of the world he lives in.

lost time It is painful when your caught looking back and unable to stay right here in the now. Time Travel itself was probably created in the mind of a person that was unhappy with the now and began dreaming of the possibility to go back and fix the past in hopes that the now would be much better. But the past isn’t the only place that we get stuck, those of us that can’t be present in the now also dream to live in a better future; and once again the “What Ifs” cloud our minds and when tomorrow comes and we are unable to have that dream come true that we ‘what if’d” in the yesterday, more depression sets in along with the pain of the unfulfilled life we have created.

time-travel-fantasy-artMine and my 35 year old sons anxiety/depression seems to take form in lifes that are unfulfilled or at least in our minds are not fulfilled. I believe that even if we had everything we wanted we would still be living out the past or years into the future. We wish for time back and then dream each day away and miss the simple things that this moment may have giving us and our lives move by so quickly; and I know it is all because of our state of mind. To dream and to what if our lives away is such a waste of time and to wake up tens of years later in life is such a loss in so many ways.

Just Give Up……..

Life in the State of Mania

When is it time to just give up??? “What you say, You never give up!”…  But I am just too tired to keep up the charade, I promised myself years ago when and if this situation came around that I would just walk away from it, not face it head on. But here I am smack dab in the middle of it and I know that this is not a “Win/Win” situation how do I know, because I have self talked myself through about every scenario of this situation…

The real story that begins here is that — I’m not the greatest of Father’s — being that I was adopted at the age of 7 to what was my “Father figure” and being just excess baggage in his eyes. The only child to my mother who opted to marry a man 11 years older that couldn’t have anymore children, well didn’t want anymore children.

arguingSo here I am dealing with the youngest of my 3 children, he is 35 and states that he is “Ok” but he is showing signs of a Psychosis at least that is what I see but who am I, just that guy who has had depression for 32 years I was actually thought to be Bipolar, practically a death sentence if it would have been true, but now they say that there are multiple layers of bipolarism, like a onion, so who knows maybe I am bipolar. So I am just assuming from seeing the symptoms that he is presenting. He states that I am the problem, the one who is sick, and maybe so but I keep getting up, going to work somewhat living.

Maybe it is just my Depression but I just can’t get a handle on this situation and it makes me feel sick all the time. I have been dreaming about his psychosis tales — the writing on thepsychotic walls on his car everywhere! He talks about it so much that I am dreaming about it! I am always nervous in my home — if you hear enough about it being bug and watched sooner or later you start to partially believe the bullshit…. At this point it is possible that I am a selfish only child with depression but even so,  that is who I am. He desperately need psychological help, not his parents that can hardly keep up with thier who mental health. Does anyone have any simple ideas that I could used to help him see that not only is he the problem but he has problems…

I hope you are reading this now because this is happening in real time and I, we could use some advice from someone else that may be going through this or has gone through it sometime in the past. Thank you for your time…

State of Mania

 

Squandered Away…

Life in the State of Mania

Squandered is the word of the day… As a child I was capable of anything, but as I sit here in front of TV like a vegetable I realize that I have squandered my life away… If tomorrow I was to be  judged on my contributions

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to the world I would probably be sentenced to death. What truly was we sent here for? Saying this in the context of, what did God have in mind for us to achieve beyond reproduction? Obviously we were not all meant for the same thing, but there had to be something, there just had to be something… I’m days away from being 59 years old, standing in the last years of my life in age only mind you. I would hope that at some point I could find what it is that I could do that would mean something to the world, country, state, city…

But here I sit; watching the clock and waiting for life to happen, not making life happen… My parents raised me to work, reproduce and nothing more, I see that now… So why do I feel that there was supposed to be more? I should be content, I have had three children, four grandchildren, dogs and cats, the house, I have to rent now, cars and a good job, but I’m not. I’m so very not happy with my life out the way I’m living it…. “Dost thou love life?” I guess I don’t, because if I did wouldn’t you think that I would do something about the state of life as it is?, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING!!! But no, I can’t find the time, I don’t have the time, really???

Infinity-Time-780x400

Infinity

Tick, Tock – Tick, Tock…

My life is spiraling around the clock,
Nothing gained, no love, no talk; only the ticking of my life clock…

Thanks Brazil

Life in the State of Mania

I have a couple of post coming very soon, but as I sit here trying to get motivated to write, I have noticed something. My statistics are showing me that people from Brazil keep hitting my site and I just want to say THANKS!!! Very Cool and one day I would love to see your country….

Thanks again Brazil!!!

Feelings, Nothing but Feelings

Life in the State of Mania

Feelings

It is a funny thing when I find myself talking with others, about “Feelings” I’ve noticed that “my feelings” are people, and that I contrive my life around the fact that other people are my feelings.

For instance I mention to someone I was feeling down, and they will reply with; “But you have those beautiful Grandchildren!” I smile for a moment ( my mood goes up ) and politely say; “Yes I do…, but I don’t see them near enough” (My mood goes down).

It is as if — because they’re out there, my world is better, and it is — but they can’t stopped what is going on in my personal life anymore than I can theirs. My grandchildren grow, learn words, sentences, draw, eat with a spoon and all this without me being there, don’t get me wrong, because they are the best things that has happened to me in the last 5 years!

Like the smile that comes across my face when my Grandchildren are mentioned — the lines deepen and the anguish shows on my face when the other “feelings/people” in my life present themselves — the emotional bank account so deeply overdrawn by these feelings/people that they succumb any thought of a happiness.

This reliance on people for my happiness has caused me to have insecurities that have been very debilitating. These people are the main cause of the anxiety attacks that I fight though, not everyday but some every week, and Xanax is the stabilizer that I use to combat the anxieties.

I have my own feelings don’t get me wrong, but by the time I get to them they’ve become very cynical, untrusting and unhappy feelings.  Alone my thoughts become scattered and struggle to find any sense of peace, so how can my feelings be anything but unsettling.

That word — Alone… When you get to my core alone is seems to be the feeling most prevailant, a sad commentary for a person thats seems to have all he needs. I was a only child and it and I always had to work things out alone, so as a adult what has changed?, nothing really…

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Kind of a scattered conclusion to this post but “Feelings” are just to hard to put a finger on, and are always just so damn personal to the person feeling the feeling. None are the same, my sad is different from your sad, and so it goes.