Feelings, Nothing but Feelings

Life in the State of Mania

Feelings

It is a funny thing when I find myself talking with others, about “Feelings” I’ve noticed that “my feelings” are people, and that I contrive my life around the fact that other people are my feelings.

For instance I mention to someone I was feeling down, and they will reply with; “But you have those beautiful Grandchildren!” I smile for a moment ( my mood goes up ) and politely say; “Yes I do…, but I don’t see them near enough” (My mood goes down).

It is as if — because they’re out there, my world is better, and it is — but they can’t stopped what is going on in my personal life anymore than I can theirs. My grandchildren grow, learn words, sentences, draw, eat with a spoon and all this without me being there, don’t get me wrong, because they are the best things that has happened to me in the last 5 years!

Like the smile that comes across my face when my Grandchildren are mentioned — the lines deepen and the anguish shows on my face when the other “feelings/people” in my life present themselves — the emotional bank account so deeply overdrawn by these feelings/people that they succumb any thought of a happiness.

This reliance on people for my happiness has caused me to have insecurities that have been very debilitating. These people are the main cause of the anxiety attacks that I fight though, not everyday but some every week, and Xanax is the stabilizer that I use to combat the anxieties.

I have my own feelings don’t get me wrong, but by the time I get to them they’ve become very cynical, untrusting and unhappy feelings.  Alone my thoughts become scattered and struggle to find any sense of peace, so how can my feelings be anything but unsettling.

That word — Alone… When you get to my core alone is seems to be the feeling most prevailant, a sad commentary for a person thats seems to have all he needs. I was a only child and it and I always had to work things out alone, so as a adult what has changed?, nothing really…

paper

Kind of a scattered conclusion to this post but “Feelings” are just to hard to put a finger on, and are always just so damn personal to the person feeling the feeling. None are the same, my sad is different from your sad, and so it goes.

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Time Off

Life in the State of Mania

Time off – when you hear those words what do you think of ? … Is it the ocean, its waves lapping in and out against the sandy beach in front of you? How do you feel? … Could it be the warmth of the sand beneath you, and the fading sun on your face? A calm washing over you, like the nights ocean breeze, and your thoughts are only of this moment, with no thoughts of anything beyond this place and time.

Does that sound a good? Well for me it does.

But what happens when time off means … She said; “I am leaving you for a few weeks to gather my thoughts about our marriage, and our future?”

No surprise you knew that this time off was coming, that your marriage was, and has been struggling for some time now. So why all the drama?

Now what do you think of, or how do you feel? Did that big ocean wave just come crashing in on you, driving you down and lapping your body across the sand like wood across sand paper? The shock, like a bucket of cold water hits you where you lye on the beach, your muscles stiffen you raise up and gasp for that first breath that was washed away with the cold water.

You thoughts say: “My God, What just happen, … What is going on?” What happened is that she had more mental strength than you. Also that she was willing to leave, what she is after only she knows.

Does that sound like a good time off … Well for that moment … that first moment … No. Then what becomes of the moments after? Can you get that first time off back? Do – you – want that first time off back, if so have you learned anything to make the time off better? If going back in time has taught us anything (on TV) it is that; you – will – not – learn – anything.

So as you see you can’t get time back, and your no longer in possession of your time off , she controls all time off you have missed your way, feelings and time have been wasted.

Time off – when you hear those words what do you think of? How do you feel?

Fact or Fiction ???

Writing in the State of Mania

So the Bipolar Disorder is it a fact or fiction? The fact is that depression is real, and comes in many forms. from being blue, to being medicated for a time, to being medicated for a lifetime.

So doesn’t that describe being Bipolar?, I think for sure that the above description it is no less than a foundation for the Bipolar Disorder. So if you look at the link you will read a huge description of bipolar, but the symptomatology seems to mimic just about every mood know to man. So depending on the day, you can show symptoms of every mental disorder known to man, and with that I have just explained Multiple Personality Disorder.

bay

Now if you read this Classification of Disease link which is long and boring it will help to define Mental Disorders. This is the official book of diseases and there is a whole chapter on Mood Disorders. Now if you look at the baby to the right What kind of mood do you think she is in? Who Cares! She makes me smile, she is better than any pill. I got of topic for a moment there.

So back to the topic, it is in my opinion that depression is the foundation for many of these — Moods. The extension into the various disorders come from external factors in the life of those afflicted. Believe me those that say a parent, sibling, relation, friend or an acquaintance couldn’t affect the way they act as an adult are sadly mistaken.

My “Eyes Wide Open” moment came when I realised that one day my move into a mania mode was caused by a comment to me that my (and I use this loosely) father, had inflicted upon me for years. So was my mania embedded in a disorder? or created by a father (external factor) that was entirely out of control, with the fact that I had not overcome the emotional abuse.

So my definition of Bipolar disorder it is — Depression with the addition of an external factor. This external factor is something that causes great pain in the life of the person with the Depression Disorder.

Living in a State of Mania

Writing in the State of Mania

Bipolar Disorder

Fact or Fiction ???

The Starry Night

In 1987 I was diagnosed Bipolar Disorder by a Family Practice Doctor, I was 30 years old at the time. the connotations was, at this time period the scariest thing that I imagine. My thoughts were racing, and the worst thought was that of my life expectancy with this disease. Honestly in the 1980’s most Bipolars would put a gun to their head sooner or later.

A bipolar just didn’t die because of the disease they just one day for no apparent reason committed suicide, statistically most men did a good job on the first try, but women had to try a few times.

So for sure I had something to look forward to, but that was the stigma at during the 1980’s. During that first year after the diagnosis I will not lie to you, it (suicide) crossed my mind. All of the medication changes, and what they did to my body, fast weight loss, severe tremors, loss of sleep and the ever favorite flu like symptoms, and actions.

My small world now had become a big nightmare, for me, and everyone around me, I am like a bull in a china closet, no one was left untouched.

Lithium-citrate-skeletal

So how do you fuel a human bull? After the initial diagnosis the doctor put me on a pill cocktail of Lithium, a mood stabiliser and Prozac a antidepressant. Oh I forgot, Halcion to help me sleep. If you have time you need to read the links, do it! Great fun!

Fire Tetrahedron

Life wasn’t going to get any simpler with the 3 additions of pills for fuel, and I was breathing oxygen so now all that was needed was heat, but what would the heat be?

But when I get heated up then BOOM! If you were the unlucky one who got caught in front of the bull (me) you were going to get a mouthful of crazy. Even I wondered while walking away from the verbal destruction, what just happened? My family, my unfortunate family would get considerable more horns of the bull.

So what I needed was a way to stop the heat ups,  but — I don’t know what is causing them. This has been a major failure in my life, it is taking so many years finding the source of the heat — if I ever will.