Mood disorder

The End (a suicide story) Part 3

Life in the State of Mania

“Your father isn’t coming home any more  – he didn’t love us enough, so he killed himself” 

Last Part — In the Middle (a suicide story) Part 2 — http://wp.me/p1Pe22-ca

I had a support group that was watching, and listening for anything that just didn’t make sense come from me. But remember one more thing about my support group at that time, Doctor-housethey had been warned about my state of mind by those who was administering to me. (Doctors, Counsellor, etc.)
It wasn’t that I didn’t love my family, but that I was no longer in control mentally and I may as well have had a brain tumor — the death sentence was the same. Now I am so glad that I didn’t end my life that day, but the reality is that life — itself — is not easy — has not been easy, and probably will never be — at least for me.

Those people that show up at your door after the loss of your loved one due to suicide, don’t — know — anything, and never will, until they have walk down that dark hallway in route to their own suicide. These people, are people, who come to judge, not to help you find peace, they are the people that love nothing better reality TVthan to watch you fall on reality TV. No one — I mean —NO ONE— on this earth is in a place to judge a person in the case of a suicide, because no one can know what is going on in another person’s mind.

god handsOnly god knows, and god is the only one that can make judgement in the event of a suicide. (Yes that was a religious statement, and my belief.) But let’s think about it, if there wasn’t a God could a human know the events leading up to a person committing suicide? Again this is one death that is not easily understood within the confines of human ability.

We humans think that we are a lot of things, but mind readers we are not. Whenmind reader we as friends and family go and visit the survivors of death there needs to be compassion for the family; a good ear to hear them, and a good shoulder to bare them up during this time, not our opinions, and conclusions.

So with that, I am done with this soapbox… for now… Stay tuned…

Fact or Fiction ???

Writing in the State of Mania

So the Bipolar Disorder is it a fact or fiction? The fact is that depression is real, and comes in many forms. from being blue, to being medicated for a time, to being medicated for a lifetime.

So doesn’t that describe being Bipolar?, I think for sure that the above description it is no less than a foundation for the Bipolar Disorder. So if you look at the link you will read a huge description of bipolar, but the symptomatology seems to mimic just about every mood know to man. So depending on the day, you can show symptoms of every mental disorder known to man, and with that I have just explained Multiple Personality Disorder.

bay

Now if you read this Classification of Disease link which is long and boring it will help to define Mental Disorders. This is the official book of diseases and there is a whole chapter on Mood Disorders. Now if you look at the baby to the right What kind of mood do you think she is in? Who Cares! She makes me smile, she is better than any pill. I got of topic for a moment there.

So back to the topic, it is in my opinion that depression is the foundation for many of these — Moods. The extension into the various disorders come from external factors in the life of those afflicted. Believe me those that say a parent, sibling, relation, friend or an acquaintance couldn’t affect the way they act as an adult are sadly mistaken.

My “Eyes Wide Open” moment came when I realised that one day my move into a mania mode was caused by a comment to me that my (and I use this loosely) father, had inflicted upon me for years. So was my mania embedded in a disorder? or created by a father (external factor) that was entirely out of control, with the fact that I had not overcome the emotional abuse.

So my definition of Bipolar disorder it is — Depression with the addition of an external factor. This external factor is something that causes great pain in the life of the person with the Depression Disorder.

Living in a State of Mania

Writing in the State of Mania

Bipolar Disorder

Fact or Fiction ???

The Starry Night

In 1987 I was diagnosed Bipolar Disorder by a Family Practice Doctor, I was 30 years old at the time. the connotations was, at this time period the scariest thing that I imagine. My thoughts were racing, and the worst thought was that of my life expectancy with this disease. Honestly in the 1980’s most Bipolars would put a gun to their head sooner or later.

A bipolar just didn’t die because of the disease they just one day for no apparent reason committed suicide, statistically most men did a good job on the first try, but women had to try a few times.

So for sure I had something to look forward to, but that was the stigma at during the 1980’s. During that first year after the diagnosis I will not lie to you, it (suicide) crossed my mind. All of the medication changes, and what they did to my body, fast weight loss, severe tremors, loss of sleep and the ever favorite flu like symptoms, and actions.

My small world now had become a big nightmare, for me, and everyone around me, I am like a bull in a china closet, no one was left untouched.

Lithium-citrate-skeletal

So how do you fuel a human bull? After the initial diagnosis the doctor put me on a pill cocktail of Lithium, a mood stabiliser and Prozac a antidepressant. Oh I forgot, Halcion to help me sleep. If you have time you need to read the links, do it! Great fun!

Fire Tetrahedron

Life wasn’t going to get any simpler with the 3 additions of pills for fuel, and I was breathing oxygen so now all that was needed was heat, but what would the heat be?

But when I get heated up then BOOM! If you were the unlucky one who got caught in front of the bull (me) you were going to get a mouthful of crazy. Even I wondered while walking away from the verbal destruction, what just happened? My family, my unfortunate family would get considerable more horns of the bull.

So what I needed was a way to stop the heat ups,  but — I don’t know what is causing them. This has been a major failure in my life, it is taking so many years finding the source of the heat — if I ever will.