Have you felt that you “lost time” somewhere, if you don’t stay in the “Now” according to Eckhart Tolle in the book “Power of Now” you are always looking back over your shoulder at the time wasted. As you age this time wasted becomes nothing more than a prison from which you will never recover the time lost. Why am I going down this road, because I am imprisoned with this lost time scenario and I am now watching my 35 year old son be imprisoned by his tormented mind. He has days of clarity but mostly he lives in a blur — his mind spiraling out of control and there is nothing I am capable of doing to stop the unwinding of the world he lives in.
It is painful when your caught looking back and unable to stay right here in the now. Time Travel itself was probably created in the mind of a person that was unhappy with the now and began dreaming of the possibility to go back and fix the past in hopes that the now would be much better. But the past isn’t the only place that we get stuck, those of us that can’t be present in the now also dream to live in a better future; and once again the “What Ifs” cloud our minds and when tomorrow comes and we are unable to have that dream come true that we ‘what if’d” in the yesterday, more depression sets in along with the pain of the unfulfilled life we have created.
Mine and my 35 year old sons anxiety/depression seems to take form in lifes that are unfulfilled or at least in our minds are not fulfilled. I believe that even if we had everything we wanted we would still be living out the past or years into the future. We wish for time back and then dream each day away and miss the simple things that this moment may have giving us and our lives move by so quickly; and I know it is all because of our state of mind. To dream and to what if our lives away is such a waste of time and to wake up tens of years later in life is such a loss in so many ways.
Squandered is the word of the day… As a child I was capable of anything, but as I sit here in front of TV like a vegetable I realize that I have squandered my life away… If tomorrow I was to be judged on my contributions
to the world I would probably be sentenced to death. What truly was we sent here for? Saying this in the context of, what did God have in mind for us to achieve beyond reproduction? Obviously we were not all meant for the same thing, but there had to be something, there just had to be something… I’m days away from being 59 years old, standing in the last years of my life in age only mind you. I would hope that at some point I could find what it is that I could do that would mean something to the world, country, state, city…
But here I sit; watching the clock and waiting for life to happen, not making life happen… My parents raised me to work, reproduce and nothing more, I see that now… So why do I feel that there was supposed to be more? I should be content, I have had three children, four grandchildren, dogs and cats, the house, I have to rent now, cars and a good job, but I’m not. I’m so very not happy with my life out the way I’m living it…. “Dost thou love life?” I guess I don’t, because if I did wouldn’t you think that I would do something about the state of life as it is?, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING!!! But no, I can’t find the time, I don’t have the time, really???
Tick, Tock – Tick, Tock…
My life is spiraling around the clock,
Nothing gained, no love, no talk; only the ticking of my life clock…
Something happened to me, it was unintentional and innocent, but even-though it was; it was one of those things that stop a person cold – hurt deep – a pain that only words could cause. I – am – no – angel, and I have thrown many word daggers in my life, and have without doubt caused pain to others, but this time – it was me, the recipient of a well place dagger, and still at this moment the pain is unbelievably great. I have thought of even going to the Emergency Room to see if there was anyway to stop the flow of emotions from my body.
My world has been rocked by this, and change is inevitable, and where I go from here I cannot say, but change has to – “I mean, Has to” – come from this. With that change I am sure the pain will be great, because nothing in life that shapes our psyche ever come without pain. “I am 57 years old,” – I keep saying; “I am 57 years old,” and using it as a “No I don’t think I can” statement, but for me to move on and find those things that are missing in my, “My” day to day life, that Mantra has to stop.
I need to live again, something that for years I have barely been doing – I have been; just – getting – by. This will not be easy and for those who know me all I can say is; “Hang on if you can, and if you can’t, I understand”….
Find life – Fall in love – or Die trying….
I don’t want to turn my blog into Facebook where I report upon the day in the life of me. But the last month has been just one thing after another, leaving me unable to focus on any writing, as if I am “So good” that people are missing out. But what I feel is that I have been missing out, by not doing any writing I loose the chance to improve, and all of the emotional help that writing here has brought to me.
Then to you people that actually made comments and critics “God bless you”
I believe that quote, to be true. I need your honest opinion and input, on the writing, the content and your deferring opinions. Then it may be possible for all of us to get something more from this blog.