Health

Squandered Away…

Life in the State of Mania

Squandered is the word of the day… As a child I was capable of anything, but as I sit here in front of TV like a vegetable I realize that I have squandered my life away… If tomorrow I was to be  judged on my contributions

benjamin-franklin-quote_5079-3

to the world I would probably be sentenced to death. What truly was we sent here for? Saying this in the context of, what did God have in mind for us to achieve beyond reproduction? Obviously we were not all meant for the same thing, but there had to be something, there just had to be something… I’m days away from being 59 years old, standing in the last years of my life in age only mind you. I would hope that at some point I could find what it is that I could do that would mean something to the world, country, state, city…

But here I sit; watching the clock and waiting for life to happen, not making life happen… My parents raised me to work, reproduce and nothing more, I see that now… So why do I feel that there was supposed to be more? I should be content, I have had three children, four grandchildren, dogs and cats, the house, I have to rent now, cars and a good job, but I’m not. I’m so very not happy with my life out the way I’m living it…. “Dost thou love life?” I guess I don’t, because if I did wouldn’t you think that I would do something about the state of life as it is?, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING!!! But no, I can’t find the time, I don’t have the time, really???

Infinity-Time-780x400

Infinity

Tick, Tock – Tick, Tock…

My life is spiraling around the clock,
Nothing gained, no love, no talk; only the ticking of my life clock…

In the Middle (a suicide story) Part 2

Life in the State of Mania

coffin in groudAnother day in America, another funeral, and the statistics again are counted, confirmed, and written down somewhere for everyone to see. But for the survivors of the suicide the tragedy, or should I say travesty has yet to begin. To the friends and family it now becomes their duty to fix the survivors  in the ways that they understand . So for the left wing righteous among us according to their  Religion 101 the act of suicide is one of the greatest sins against God, and going to 

hellhell is the judgement on those that commit suicide.  All that was eternal is now stripped away from that lost soul to suffer in anguish for all time.

CAN I GET an AMEN!!!AMEN

NO!!! No amen here, I cannot believe that God would be so unjust, but then again some of the stories in the bible are kind of scary. The God that I believe in knows that the majority of suicides are made by the clinically depressed, mentally unstable in a world that gives birth not to Gods but mere humans — 490000 human babies every day!

Now to step back to Part 1, and that path that I was on. In those last days before I was institutionalized I told you of a peace that came over me, and in my self-talk I had committed to the idea, and had formed a plan. A Psychiatrist once told me that; “There is nothing more dangerous, or incredible; than when a Bi-Polar has come to a decision” and I was there. It is all a blur to me leading up to that night, and it was time for me to act, me wife knew that something was up and confronted me, and all hell broke loose, I do remember some of this, and that every immediate family member came with my family doctor to the house breaking horsesthat night. They, my family and the doctor talked me down it was like saddle breaking a new horse, I was then taken to the mental hospital, yes I said it; “mental hospital”

The noises that came from the hallways as I tried to sleep that first night was everything you would come to expect from a good asylum horror movie, but I asylummade it. I awoke in the beginnings of a drug induced lobotomy and made my way to the sitting area, where a gathering of patience’s where sitting, staring, and worse.  As I sat there, all I could think was; “Oh — my — God, this is a mistake” I wanted to scream but who would notice and they would just shoot me up with more drugs. I remained calm and waited for a chance to call my wife.  That day she came and got me, then moved me to a closer hospital that could care for me, it was there I spent the next few weeks.

“Your father – he didn’t love us enough, so he killed himself, and isn’t coming home anymore”

I hear statements like that all the time from those that have never been, or refuse to admit being depressed. I shudder at their comments, and want nothing more than to slap those speaking silly. I know now, that I was very close to the ending my life one night a long time ago, but I was lucky, I have a family that believed differently than those people do, I was luckier than those that made the statistics list that day.

Stay with me only one more post to conclude this series. “The End” (a suicide story) Part 3   — Will be coming soon…

In the Beginning (a suicide story) Part 1

Life in the State of Mania

family cryingWhy? they weep; Why? they cry; How could he have done this to us? they say;  How could he be so selfish? they state.

They hold on to each other and cry, and with each tear another question, for each question another answer, that isn’t good enough. Yet every day in America almost 85 people commit suicide according to this site; http://www.suicideoutreach.org/about_suicide

I was watching a TV news show, either Dateline or 20/20 the other night, when confronted with this comment from the show; (paraphrasing)

“Your father – he didn’t love us enough, so he killed himself, and isn’t coming home anymore”

Wow! How would you like being 10 years old, or younger and hear news like that? Then hearing news like that from your mother – would never be good.

depressionDepression, or mental health issues can develop into very serious health problems, at the very extreme end of depression, comes suicide. One out of every 20 people end up experiencing some form of mental health issues in their life, 50 thousand in a million people, you do the math. There are reports that it is much higher than that because of those that can’t afford to seek medical help.

You ask; “So where are you going with this, we already know about this situation”

At the age of 30 I was diagnose with Depression, (a genetic malady) then a year or less later the additional label of Bi-Polar Manic was added.

Taking the pillsIt was during that first year when I mentally reached a place in my mind that I will call “The calm before the storm” (a stolen cliché). That was, for me a very peaceful mental state just day or so before I reached for the pills, this was no spur of the moment transition. There wasn’t a specific day planned for the execution of me only that in my self-talk I was making plans, it became like – planning a trip to some faraway place. The acceptance of this plan came far too simply, which now seems all too scary.

I never made the attempt because my family knew me well enough to see me going through a major transformation, and intervened. What they saw was not the me they knew, not that I wasn’t there – sometimes – just that it wasn’t the underlying me. I was institutionalized for a night until sufficiently lobotomized by drugs. Then I was moved to a local hospital, where I stayed for a couple more weeks until all the medications had stabilized. It wasn’t then that I realized what had happened; it was later in life, many years later when I came to understand the steps that lead up to that moment in which I almost ended my own life.

*** This is the end of PART 1. I feel that if there are to many words in a post that you’ll stop reading, and I am not done, and there isn’t much more. But I think that the words that take a person to this place need stating out loud, and hopefully someone else, like I was can be saved too.

*** Beware of my problem with “Passive Voice” a english problem that I have while writing.

Meaningful???

Life in the State of Mania

I truly wanted to each day write something on this post that is meaningful, and filled with purpose. But that just isn’t always going to be the case, there are days that I just want to be pissy!!!

pissed off

 

These  days I wonder how far I should take my caring — caring for this, or that. With my predisposition for depression, I know that for a fact, that when I am  worrying about the external, it brings with it nothing but more problems. Is that not the meaning of Karma?, or it the Natural law of Causation?,  either way, when I allow it into my life, good or bad, it is me, who reaps the consequences. 

Om… Deep Breathe… Soham… Deep Breathe… Om… Deep Breathe…

And… I’m back… That was meditation for the keyboard, and truly — I do feel better!!!

But back to caring, it seems to me that it just isn’t worth it, and I should monitor only the real things in life that matter. The next couple of months are going to be very interesting, and I need to be focusing on those things that are, going to effect my way of life, everything else, I – need – to – just – Let Go. 

As for an ending to this Post, some poetic line of script — I don’t have one…

 

Life Changes

Life in the State of Mania

 Have you ever been in a situation that you knew wasn’t right, but you were so afraid of what would come, if you actually did something about it?, like my in last post “Cause and Effect“.  With that said a change is “Blowing in the wind”, and — I — can — sense — it. The time is nearing, but what I know too is that these changes are going to be hard, in many ways. I may not be able to go through with them, and that is scary. While looking back over my history I can find many times that I should have went in a different direction with my life (Hindsight is 20/20), but for one reason or another I didn’t, and those choices led me to here, and now. But those choices that I eluded from then continue to re-surface in some way, even if in small ways. The questions now, are very similar to questions of the past, and the answers that I am afraid to choose are the same ones that I escape Hard Choices 4from using before. Funny… how with age the choices I internalized didn’t change, but the consequences now seem even more direr than they did.

With less time now to recover from the inevitable effect of the cause, it almost seems as if at this point in life that I should just leave things as they are.

“I made the bed, now lie in it”.