Disorders

Squandered Away…

Life in the State of Mania

Squandered is the word of the day… As a child I was capable of anything, but as I sit here in front of TV like a vegetable I realize that I have squandered my life away… If tomorrow I was to be  judged on my contributions

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to the world I would probably be sentenced to death. What truly was we sent here for? Saying this in the context of, what did God have in mind for us to achieve beyond reproduction? Obviously we were not all meant for the same thing, but there had to be something, there just had to be something… I’m days away from being 59 years old, standing in the last years of my life in age only mind you. I would hope that at some point I could find what it is that I could do that would mean something to the world, country, state, city…

But here I sit; watching the clock and waiting for life to happen, not making life happen… My parents raised me to work, reproduce and nothing more, I see that now… So why do I feel that there was supposed to be more? I should be content, I have had three children, four grandchildren, dogs and cats, the house, I have to rent now, cars and a good job, but I’m not. I’m so very not happy with my life out the way I’m living it…. “Dost thou love life?” I guess I don’t, because if I did wouldn’t you think that I would do something about the state of life as it is?, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING!!! But no, I can’t find the time, I don’t have the time, really???

Infinity-Time-780x400

Infinity

Tick, Tock – Tick, Tock…

My life is spiraling around the clock,
Nothing gained, no love, no talk; only the ticking of my life clock…

The End (a suicide story) Part 3

Life in the State of Mania

“Your father isn’t coming home any more  – he didn’t love us enough, so he killed himself” 

Last Part — In the Middle (a suicide story) Part 2 — http://wp.me/p1Pe22-ca

I had a support group that was watching, and listening for anything that just didn’t make sense come from me. But remember one more thing about my support group at that time, Doctor-housethey had been warned about my state of mind by those who was administering to me. (Doctors, Counsellor, etc.)
It wasn’t that I didn’t love my family, but that I was no longer in control mentally and I may as well have had a brain tumor — the death sentence was the same. Now I am so glad that I didn’t end my life that day, but the reality is that life — itself — is not easy — has not been easy, and probably will never be — at least for me.

Those people that show up at your door after the loss of your loved one due to suicide, don’t — know — anything, and never will, until they have walk down that dark hallway in route to their own suicide. These people, are people, who come to judge, not to help you find peace, they are the people that love nothing better reality TVthan to watch you fall on reality TV. No one — I mean —NO ONE— on this earth is in a place to judge a person in the case of a suicide, because no one can know what is going on in another person’s mind.

god handsOnly god knows, and god is the only one that can make judgement in the event of a suicide. (Yes that was a religious statement, and my belief.) But let’s think about it, if there wasn’t a God could a human know the events leading up to a person committing suicide? Again this is one death that is not easily understood within the confines of human ability.

We humans think that we are a lot of things, but mind readers we are not. Whenmind reader we as friends and family go and visit the survivors of death there needs to be compassion for the family; a good ear to hear them, and a good shoulder to bare them up during this time, not our opinions, and conclusions.

So with that, I am done with this soapbox… for now… Stay tuned…

In the Beginning (a suicide story) Part 1

Life in the State of Mania

family cryingWhy? they weep; Why? they cry; How could he have done this to us? they say;  How could he be so selfish? they state.

They hold on to each other and cry, and with each tear another question, for each question another answer, that isn’t good enough. Yet every day in America almost 85 people commit suicide according to this site; http://www.suicideoutreach.org/about_suicide

I was watching a TV news show, either Dateline or 20/20 the other night, when confronted with this comment from the show; (paraphrasing)

“Your father – he didn’t love us enough, so he killed himself, and isn’t coming home anymore”

Wow! How would you like being 10 years old, or younger and hear news like that? Then hearing news like that from your mother – would never be good.

depressionDepression, or mental health issues can develop into very serious health problems, at the very extreme end of depression, comes suicide. One out of every 20 people end up experiencing some form of mental health issues in their life, 50 thousand in a million people, you do the math. There are reports that it is much higher than that because of those that can’t afford to seek medical help.

You ask; “So where are you going with this, we already know about this situation”

At the age of 30 I was diagnose with Depression, (a genetic malady) then a year or less later the additional label of Bi-Polar Manic was added.

Taking the pillsIt was during that first year when I mentally reached a place in my mind that I will call “The calm before the storm” (a stolen cliché). That was, for me a very peaceful mental state just day or so before I reached for the pills, this was no spur of the moment transition. There wasn’t a specific day planned for the execution of me only that in my self-talk I was making plans, it became like – planning a trip to some faraway place. The acceptance of this plan came far too simply, which now seems all too scary.

I never made the attempt because my family knew me well enough to see me going through a major transformation, and intervened. What they saw was not the me they knew, not that I wasn’t there – sometimes – just that it wasn’t the underlying me. I was institutionalized for a night until sufficiently lobotomized by drugs. Then I was moved to a local hospital, where I stayed for a couple more weeks until all the medications had stabilized. It wasn’t then that I realized what had happened; it was later in life, many years later when I came to understand the steps that lead up to that moment in which I almost ended my own life.

*** This is the end of PART 1. I feel that if there are to many words in a post that you’ll stop reading, and I am not done, and there isn’t much more. But I think that the words that take a person to this place need stating out loud, and hopefully someone else, like I was can be saved too.

*** Beware of my problem with “Passive Voice” a english problem that I have while writing.

SHUTUP!!!

Life in the State of Mania

stoptalkingLast week; my mind stopped me in mid-sentence, and told me to quit talking!!! I actually stammered; then abruptly stop speaking. What an odd situation I was in, how does that work? Is someone up there, in my head, monitoring my actions? If so where has that someone been the last – 55 – years? How convenient that would have been to have the other person in my head stop me before I said or did something stupid.

personality 2But honestly; I have often thought that there was more than just one person up there (in my head) but they were never useful before today. Sybil DID, and she knew how to use them; but no — not — me, they only become useful after years of just sitting back, and laughing at me. The interruption was very appropriately timed, so whoever it was, they did a good job.

This was annoying to me — this momentary, honesty from my mind, which actually help me through a simple conversation. Was someone also stating a fact? As in; hey you — you talk too much!!! If so, then this someone was finally stepping in; not laughing at me anymore; and just wanted me to stop.

ramblingThen today again at work — I was sitting in on a group interview of a person that was looking for a job in my department, and it became very clear to me that he was a talker. He would speak so much that he actually would loose himself in his own words, and forget the questions asked by the moderator. As I listen and stared at him, I thought to myself — Oh My God!!! — I talk like him…

annoyed 2It has become vexing to me that I do this, and with the reduction of Anti-Depressants in my daily life I have become self-aware of this problem… But I have yet to get  it under control, and still find myself rambling on —  I see it now in the faces of those that are force to be with me.

Now with that said, if you have noticed, I am Post Rambling, so I will stop here…

Life Changes

Life in the State of Mania

 Have you ever been in a situation that you knew wasn’t right, but you were so afraid of what would come, if you actually did something about it?, like my in last post “Cause and Effect“.  With that said a change is “Blowing in the wind”, and — I — can — sense — it. The time is nearing, but what I know too is that these changes are going to be hard, in many ways. I may not be able to go through with them, and that is scary. While looking back over my history I can find many times that I should have went in a different direction with my life (Hindsight is 20/20), but for one reason or another I didn’t, and those choices led me to here, and now. But those choices that I eluded from then continue to re-surface in some way, even if in small ways. The questions now, are very similar to questions of the past, and the answers that I am afraid to choose are the same ones that I escape Hard Choices 4from using before. Funny… how with age the choices I internalized didn’t change, but the consequences now seem even more direr than they did.

With less time now to recover from the inevitable effect of the cause, it almost seems as if at this point in life that I should just leave things as they are.

“I made the bed, now lie in it”.