Squandered Away…

Life in the State of Mania

Squandered is the word of the day… As a child I was capable of anything, but as I sit here in front of TV like a vegetable I realize that I have squandered my life away… If tomorrow I was to be  judged on my contributions

benjamin-franklin-quote_5079-3

to the world I would probably be sentenced to death. What truly was we sent here for? Saying this in the context of, what did God have in mind for us to achieve beyond reproduction? Obviously we were not all meant for the same thing, but there had to be something, there just had to be something… I’m days away from being 59 years old, standing in the last years of my life in age only mind you. I would hope that at some point I could find what it is that I could do that would mean something to the world, country, state, city…

But here I sit; watching the clock and waiting for life to happen, not making life happen… My parents raised me to work, reproduce and nothing more, I see that now… So why do I feel that there was supposed to be more? I should be content, I have had three children, four grandchildren, dogs and cats, the house, I have to rent now, cars and a good job, but I’m not. I’m so very not happy with my life out the way I’m living it…. “Dost thou love life?” I guess I don’t, because if I did wouldn’t you think that I would do something about the state of life as it is?, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING!!! But no, I can’t find the time, I don’t have the time, really???

Infinity-Time-780x400

Infinity

Tick, Tock – Tick, Tock…

My life is spiraling around the clock,
Nothing gained, no love, no talk; only the ticking of my life clock…

Advertisements

Feelings, Nothing but Feelings

Life in the State of Mania

Feelings

It is a funny thing when I find myself talking with others, about “Feelings” I’ve noticed that “my feelings” are people, and that I contrive my life around the fact that other people are my feelings.

For instance I mention to someone I was feeling down, and they will reply with; “But you have those beautiful Grandchildren!” I smile for a moment ( my mood goes up ) and politely say; “Yes I do…, but I don’t see them near enough” (My mood goes down).

It is as if — because they’re out there, my world is better, and it is — but they can’t stopped what is going on in my personal life anymore than I can theirs. My grandchildren grow, learn words, sentences, draw, eat with a spoon and all this without me being there, don’t get me wrong, because they are the best things that has happened to me in the last 5 years!

Like the smile that comes across my face when my Grandchildren are mentioned — the lines deepen and the anguish shows on my face when the other “feelings/people” in my life present themselves — the emotional bank account so deeply overdrawn by these feelings/people that they succumb any thought of a happiness.

This reliance on people for my happiness has caused me to have insecurities that have been very debilitating. These people are the main cause of the anxiety attacks that I fight though, not everyday but some every week, and Xanax is the stabilizer that I use to combat the anxieties.

I have my own feelings don’t get me wrong, but by the time I get to them they’ve become very cynical, untrusting and unhappy feelings.  Alone my thoughts become scattered and struggle to find any sense of peace, so how can my feelings be anything but unsettling.

That word — Alone… When you get to my core alone is seems to be the feeling most prevailant, a sad commentary for a person thats seems to have all he needs. I was a only child and it and I always had to work things out alone, so as a adult what has changed?, nothing really…

paper

Kind of a scattered conclusion to this post but “Feelings” are just to hard to put a finger on, and are always just so damn personal to the person feeling the feeling. None are the same, my sad is different from your sad, and so it goes.

The End (a suicide story) Part 3

Life in the State of Mania

“Your father isn’t coming home any more  – he didn’t love us enough, so he killed himself” 

Last Part — In the Middle (a suicide story) Part 2http://wp.me/p1Pe22-ca

I had a support group that was watching, and listening for anything that just didn’t make sense come from me. But remember one more thing about my support group at that time, Doctor-housethey had been warned about my state of mind by those who was administering to me. (Doctors, Counsellor, etc.)
It wasn’t that I didn’t love my family, but that I was no longer in control mentally and I may as well have had a brain tumor — the death sentence was the same. Now I am so glad that I didn’t end my life that day, but the reality is that life — itself — is not easy — has not been easy, and probably will never be — at least for me.

Those people that show up at your door after the loss of your loved one due to suicide, don’t — know — anything, and never will, until they have walk down that dark hallway in route to their own suicide. These people, are people, who come to judge, not to help you find peace, they are the people that love nothing better reality TVthan to watch you fall on reality TV. No one — I mean —NO ONE— on this earth is in a place to judge a person in the case of a suicide, because no one can know what is going on in another person’s mind.

god handsOnly god knows, and god is the only one that can make judgement in the event of a suicide. (Yes that was a religious statement, and my belief.) But let’s think about it, if there wasn’t a God could a human know the events leading up to a person committing suicide? Again this is one death that is not easily understood within the confines of human ability.

We humans think that we are a lot of things, but mind readers we are not. Whenmind reader we as friends and family go and visit the survivors of death there needs to be compassion for the family; a good ear to hear them, and a good shoulder to bare them up during this time, not our opinions, and conclusions.

So with that, I am done with this soapbox… for now… Stay tuned…

Meaningful???

Life in the State of Mania

I truly wanted to each day write something on this post that is meaningful, and filled with purpose. But that just isn’t always going to be the case, there are days that I just want to be pissy!!!

pissed off

 

These  days I wonder how far I should take my caring — caring for this, or that. With my predisposition for depression, I know that for a fact, that when I am  worrying about the external, it brings with it nothing but more problems. Is that not the meaning of Karma?, or it the Natural law of Causation?,  either way, when I allow it into my life, good or bad, it is me, who reaps the consequences. 

Om… Deep Breathe… Soham… Deep Breathe… Om… Deep Breathe…

And… I’m back… That was meditation for the keyboard, and truly — I do feel better!!!

But back to caring, it seems to me that it just isn’t worth it, and I should monitor only the real things in life that matter. The next couple of months are going to be very interesting, and I need to be focusing on those things that are, going to effect my way of life, everything else, I – need – to – just – Let Go. 

As for an ending to this Post, some poetic line of script — I don’t have one…