Just Give Up……..

Life in the State of Mania

When is it time to just give up??? “What you say, You never give up!”…  But I am just too tired to keep up the charade, I promised myself years ago when and if this situation came around that I would just walk away from it, not face it head on. But here I am smack dab in the middle of it and I know that this is not a “Win/Win” situation how do I know, because I have self talked myself through about every scenario of this situation…

The real story that begins here is that — I’m not the greatest of Father’s — being that I was adopted at the age of 7 to what was my “Father figure” and being just excess baggage in his eyes. The only child to my mother who opted to marry a man 11 years older that couldn’t have anymore children, well didn’t want anymore children.

arguingSo here I am dealing with the youngest of my 3 children, he is 35 and states that he is “Ok” but he is showing signs of a Psychosis at least that is what I see but who am I, just that guy who has had depression for 32 years I was actually thought to be Bipolar, practically a death sentence if it would have been true, but now they say that there are multiple layers of bipolarism, like a onion, so who knows maybe I am bipolar. So I am just assuming from seeing the symptoms that he is presenting. He states that I am the problem, the one who is sick, and maybe so but I keep getting up, going to work somewhat living.

Maybe it is just my Depression but I just can’t get a handle on this situation and it makes me feel sick all the time. I have been dreaming about his psychosis tales — the writing on thepsychotic walls on his car everywhere! He talks about it so much that I am dreaming about it! I am always nervous in my home — if you hear enough about it being bug and watched sooner or later you start to partially believe the bullshit…. At this point it is possible that I am a selfish only child with depression but even so,  that is who I am. He desperately need psychological help, not his parents that can hardly keep up with thier who mental health. Does anyone have any simple ideas that I could used to help him see that not only is he the problem but he has problems…

I hope you are reading this now because this is happening in real time and I, we could use some advice from someone else that may be going through this or has gone through it sometime in the past. Thank you for your time…

State of Mania

 

Hurt…

Life in the State of Mania

man

Something happened to me, it was unintentional and innocent, but even-though it was; it was one of those things that stop a person cold – hurt deep – a pain that only words could cause. I – am – no – angel, and I have thrown many word daggers in my life, and have without doubt caused pain to others, but this time – it was me, the recipient of a well place dagger, and still at this moment the pain is unbelievably great. I have thought of even going to the Emergency Room to see if there was anyway to stop the flow of emotions from my body.

My world has been rocked by this, and change is inevitable, and where I go from here I cannot say, but change has to – “I mean, Has to” – come from this. With that change I am sure the pain will be great, because nothing in life that shapes our psyche ever come without pain. “I am 57 years old,” – I keep saying; “I am 57 years old,” and using it as a “No I don’t think I can” statement, but for me to move on and find those things that are missing in my, “My” day to day life, that Mantra has to stop.

I need to live again, something that for years I have barely been doing – I have been;  just – getting – by. This will not be easy and for those who know me all I can say is; “Hang on if you can, and if you can’t, I understand”….

Find life – Fall in love – or Die trying….