anxiety

“Lost Time”

Life in the State of Mania

surreal-artwork-time-clockHave you felt that you “lost time” somewhere, if you don’t stay in the “Now” according to Eckhart Tolle in the book “Power of Now” you are always looking back over your shoulder at the time wasted. As you age this time wasted becomes nothing more than a prison from which you will never recover the time lost. Why am I going down this road, because I am imprisoned with this lost time scenario and I am now watching my 35 year old son be imprisoned by his tormented mind.  He has days of clarity but mostly he lives in a blur — his mind spiraling out of control and there is nothing I am capable of doing to stop the unwinding of the world he lives in.

lost time It is painful when your caught looking back and unable to stay right here in the now. Time Travel itself was probably created in the mind of a person that was unhappy with the now and began dreaming of the possibility to go back and fix the past in hopes that the now would be much better. But the past isn’t the only place that we get stuck, those of us that can’t be present in the now also dream to live in a better future; and once again the “What Ifs” cloud our minds and when tomorrow comes and we are unable to have that dream come true that we ‘what if’d” in the yesterday, more depression sets in along with the pain of the unfulfilled life we have created.

time-travel-fantasy-artMine and my 35 year old sons anxiety/depression seems to take form in lifes that are unfulfilled or at least in our minds are not fulfilled. I believe that even if we had everything we wanted we would still be living out the past or years into the future. We wish for time back and then dream each day away and miss the simple things that this moment may have giving us and our lives move by so quickly; and I know it is all because of our state of mind. To dream and to what if our lives away is such a waste of time and to wake up tens of years later in life is such a loss in so many ways.

Feelings, Nothing but Feelings

Life in the State of Mania

Feelings

It is a funny thing when I find myself talking with others, about “Feelings” I’ve noticed that “my feelings” are people, and that I contrive my life around the fact that other people are my feelings.

For instance I mention to someone I was feeling down, and they will reply with; “But you have those beautiful Grandchildren!” I smile for a moment ( my mood goes up ) and politely say; “Yes I do…, but I don’t see them near enough” (My mood goes down).

It is as if — because they’re out there, my world is better, and it is — but they can’t stopped what is going on in my personal life anymore than I can theirs. My grandchildren grow, learn words, sentences, draw, eat with a spoon and all this without me being there, don’t get me wrong, because they are the best things that has happened to me in the last 5 years!

Like the smile that comes across my face when my Grandchildren are mentioned — the lines deepen and the anguish shows on my face when the other “feelings/people” in my life present themselves — the emotional bank account so deeply overdrawn by these feelings/people that they succumb any thought of a happiness.

This reliance on people for my happiness has caused me to have insecurities that have been very debilitating. These people are the main cause of the anxiety attacks that I fight though, not everyday but some every week, and Xanax is the stabilizer that I use to combat the anxieties.

I have my own feelings don’t get me wrong, but by the time I get to them they’ve become very cynical, untrusting and unhappy feelings.  Alone my thoughts become scattered and struggle to find any sense of peace, so how can my feelings be anything but unsettling.

That word — Alone… When you get to my core alone is seems to be the feeling most prevailant, a sad commentary for a person thats seems to have all he needs. I was a only child and it and I always had to work things out alone, so as a adult what has changed?, nothing really…

paper

Kind of a scattered conclusion to this post but “Feelings” are just to hard to put a finger on, and are always just so damn personal to the person feeling the feeling. None are the same, my sad is different from your sad, and so it goes.